Persistent Peristalsis

A regular guy our principal – you could set the staffroom clock by his bowel motions.

In the sixties, a tin shed functioned as our boys’ toilet block—three cubicles and a two-metre urinal. The dungeon-style key for the male-staff cubicle hung above Mr Wilson’s desk.

Each morning, around the same time, the headmaster sauntered into the staffroom. His routine rarely changed—questions about test marks, comments addressing the behaviour of Anthony in 3B, a reference to the previous evening’s P and C meeting, even a stab at the weather. However, we knew his motive.

Clearing his throat, he’d stretch up, pocket the said key, and disappear. Next, so as not to make his mission obvious, he would wander through the quadrangle, offering students the occasional greeting until, in an unobtrusive fashion, he reached his destination.

On this day, that customary procedure would be challenged. We all heard his awkward sigh.

“The key is missing.” Not loud, but audible, because he did expect an answer. Nobody moved.

“Has anyone seen the key?” His voice conveyed a hint of urgency.

“I saw it a moment ago,” said Mr Wilson. He squirmed on his chair but didn’t look up. An uncomfortable silence followed, all heads still down.

“Hmmmpf” The principal stomped from the room. He had located the key which, although functional, was now noticeable in the extreme. Yes, today his excursion might prove a tad embarrassing.

A visit to the Industrial Arts Department would be the next assignment for the boss. “Not happy Mr Steele”—the metalwork teacher would receive a reprimand as clearly appreciation for his gag had gone awry.

Why? Alan had soldered to the key a heavy, twisted-steel handle over a metre in length.

“A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humour, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke that is on oneself.” Mary Jessamyn West (1902-1984) American Writer

Notes:

• The P and C is the Parents and Citizens Association—the parent group associated with the school.

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